You know what I mean, The whole being too ashamed and destroyed to talk about it with friends, family, and much less strangers. The kind of rape victim that doesn't really want people to know that they got raped and has a sudden sense of growing paranoia that it will happen again and is deathly afraid of another rapist finding them. And God forbid a rape victim ever blog about it and show pictures of the injuries. Yes, I know, that's how most rape victims I see on TV act and thats how my boyfriend reacted to it. Which is much more understandable then the way I have reacted. But what can I do but be me.
Still don't believe me? Well that's OK, it's not really you that I am worried about proving myself to. I was able to talk with most of the major gay blogs and gay porn news magazines. And I gave them the personal information needed to confirm my attack with the Dallas Police Department. And to be quite honest, in the gay community, they are the only ones that need to believe me. Be sure to check out the latest GAYVN Article where the author was able to confirm with the police.
Why did I write about it at all? Well because I enjoy writing and I enjoy letting people read about my world. Yes of course I love getting attention and yes I love making money doing what I enjoy. If someone handed me a $100 bill and said, "Here I want you to have this just because I like you, no strings attached." I sure as hell wouldn't say no... Please do not twist my words around and say that I am a cheap prostitute that guys could fuck for $100, because that is NOT what I am saying. I am just saying that I admtt that I love the fact that people read what I write and I appreciate the guys who make deposits into BankWylerNation, I fess up to the fact that I wanted an easy way to pay for school, I'm lazy when it comes to 9 to 5 mainstream work. But all of this has nothing to do with why I wrote about the rape.
I seriously just wanted to write about it and let people know what was going on with me. I knew some people might recognize me when I was out running errands. I knew people were going to wonder about my bruises. I just thought I'd beat them to the punch (bad choice of words?).
I also know that a few friends of mine look forward to my updates. And before this past week my updates have been very inconsistent, I would write one blog and then take another month to write another. The thing is my life, outside of the porn world, is pretty boring, and writing wise, I am only able to write what I know. As inhuman as this sounds, me getting raped was like my cure for writers block. It gave me something to talk about. Something I thought was worthwhile and that some people could really relate to.
I agree that the way I went about telling people I got raped was probably not the best way to go about it, turning it into a customized news article, changing details instead of just leaving them out. I just have an affinity for being as descriptive as possible... but hell its my rape case, not yours, and I should be able to say whatever I want to say about it.
I also agree that I don't think most normal people would be sitting around blogging about it to the world and showing pictures of their injuries. But I think we can all agree that its safe to say that I am nowhere near normal.
Remember the previous posting I made about how my sex drive is off the charts and its causing problems in my love life? Well this may be another mistake to say this but just barely 24 hours after getting raped, I was actually horny. I would think that is absolutely not normal for a rape victim but I could be wrong.
I know this may sound crazy, but I'm actually not traumatized from this experience, although I could have a mental break down later on in life. I'm just angry, I'm angry at the fucker who raped me, angry at the police officers who didn't care, angry at the hospital who charged me for a rape kit, and angry at people who either didn't believe or said I deserved it and/or wanted it.
And seriously, no joke, they made me pay for the rape kit... I know alot of you out there say that Texas has funds for rape kits, well I didn't get those funds. You are only an expert on your own life, you are no experts on my life or the circumstances I have been in. So please don't assume that because you have a certain job, or a degree in whatever field, or that you have been raped yourself, that you know what my story is suppose to sound like for it to be true.
I of course will not publish every detail of this case, I will not reveal what information I do or do not have to the public, there shouldn't be a need to. Some people think they know everything, don't ask questions for the sake of better understanding, don't think before they speak... some people do not have the ability to think that everybody is different and there for will react to certain events in different ways, and to those people.... Would you seriously, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, stop following my life, stop reading what I have to say, stop reading what is reported about me, just forget that I ever existed, and STOP posting shit about me.
Honestly, I can't believe I went through all this effort just to prove myself. But I love my job and I had to make sure that the studios I work with all know that I wasn't lying about getting raped and that this wasn't a publicity stunt gone awry.
Again you can read the article and my interview at