01 December 2008

Bro Dudes

by Noah Kuttler

Well, the cock boss has asked that I address the use of irritating breeder slang by gays. Apparently, a number of you have been referring to each other affectionately or otherwise as “Bro”. I would like to preface this discussion of “why you should probably reconsider your lives” by extending one outstanding exception, which is that if you can get away with calling me Bro in a reassuringly masculine tone with a broad jaw line and a real relaxed look in your eyes, I will blow you whenever and wherever we happen to be. However, I will hate you and myself for it afterwards.

As far as I can tell “bro” among gay men is occurring mostly among the under 21 boys and there various enthusiasts. Let's call them the 20 somethings because most adults don't pay enough attention to the younger gays to notice the slang they are using. Besides occasionally wanting to have sex with you 20 somethings, the rest of us are typically un-phased by your antics. In a culture dominated by porn movies you can’t afford, drugs you can’t afford, clubs you can’t get into, and protests that seem like parties to you, it is simply obvious that you have no real voice. As for you older gays, I won’t define an age for fear of reprisal, but I will say that it only makes sense for you to say bro when you are meeting younger guys. Friends your own age will either be too respectable to be greeted by “Bro”, or you will have known them long enough that you will have some impossibly cuter nickname to use. With that being said, this bro speak is clearly happening in whatever scene that's dominated by the 20 something gays of the moment.

So you are in college or pretending to be, you are hanging out with your impossibly attractive friends, and you casually get someone’s attention by saying bro. Maybe it is a best friend, who is really like a brother and who does not care what you call him. Maybe it is a hag or a beard and you call her bro because you are so desperate to use situation appropriate lingo that you will take any chance, even if that chance is improperly equipped with internal genitals. Whatever the case is, you fail. Bro has no place amongst our people because we see each other as potential vehicles of sexual release and your actual brother is not a potential vehicle for sexual release. Well, if he is you should never admit to it anyway. But you all know this, you know it would be completely bizarre for you to moan out “yeah bro” while you were plowing up some cute farmer’s land, so what could possibly warrant such attachment to the term?

Well according to the Urban Dictionary, the bro is an excessively masculine, steroid pumping, beer drinking jock that is a bit more obsessed with his physical appearance than a heterosexual male should be and calls every guy friend a bro. You can often find bro dudes chasing slutty whores stuffed full of vodka tampons across straight bar scenes and fraternity rows through out America. This definition of a bro is interestingly enough the definition of a very fuckable 20 something gay: muscular, drunk, and a little dumb. AWESOME. So is that it, you say bro to signal that you are fuckable and playing football with your cock while your pecs open beer bottles or something? An unfortunate collision with reality must be just around the corner for the gay-bro-dude then: most of us still listen, taste, feel, and think with our eyes. If you can pull off saying bro because of your attitude and look, you will get laid regardless of your awkward choice of dialogue. If you can’t pull it off but say it anyways, you will be the mean joke I tell the cute guy at the bar so he will think I am witty and have friends. I don’t, but he won’t know that until he fucks me and I leave him 5000 messages and bumper stickers and pokes on Facebook.

The point is that bro only adds an unnecessary element of incestuous thoughts to the discourse, sort of like that Karen from Mean Girls with her cousin, right? I loved Karen, but she was written to be dumb and horny and thus accidentally incestuous. Are you living your life like a Tina Fey joke? To that end, from now on call me something similarly manly without accusing me of having walked the same fallopian tubes as you. Walk up to me and call me mate, bud, or pal. Something as casual as bro and equally friendly and direct. Or, if you are going for that instant blow job thing, walk up to me and say “Hey Wyler, lets get a beer.” I will be so instantly excited thinking I might look like Wyler, or that Wyler might be around, or that you want to do something Wyler-ish to me that I will be ready to go.

13 comments:

  1. I totally don't get this post. 'Bro' must be American slang. I'm an Aussie.

    Well written, though.

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  2. What if I'm clearly not a "bro dude" but I want to say it anyway with a self-reflexive sense of irony? That's still cool right?

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  3. I don't get it much either. But then again, I only get things that are weird, and weird to many people. From what I get, the term bro is seen as negative because it has reference to incestuous behaviour. While that is true, the word can have different meanings for other people. Does ever get that?
    I have no problems with people saying Bro out of term. I have no problem with that. But I am aware that some of you find that uncomfortable. I fully appreciate that. The only thing I ask is that you understand people have different opinions.
    I'm not taking any sides, I hardly ever do that. I just state the reality of the situation.
    That is the role of a mystic ^^
    Ciao
    Xx_RavsDesire_xX

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  4. The "bro" post was funny at first but then it just went on and on for too long...

    I'd rather read Mason's rants and his sexcapades. :)

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  5. Bro, I say 'bro' all the time... and I guess how u said it is where it came from, but me--being 20... i was grown up around words like "bro" (somehow came to be pronounced as bra-h), "dude" and shit like that.

    It's part of mine, and most of my friend's vocabulary. While, yes I am gay but don't act nor sound like it... I guess those little hints in my vocabulary are my way of even getting away from the ever-growing "gay" culture. Not that I'm embarrased by it, but simply because it's not what i am-- I am the kind of person that plays football, soccer and basketball... doesnt like fashion, shopping or makeup (not saying that all gays are like that.. just making an example, people).

    So, yeah I guess us "20-ish"people who were born in the Mid to Late Eightys (i being born in '88) just grew up with that sort of language and made it our own. I forgot where I was going with this, but Bro... i'm glad u pointed it out. lol

    :P
    -Gui, 20, South Florida

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  6. Haha 1st: nice pics.

    2nd: I'm a twenty something and I'm sick of the "bro" word. It's made fun of heterosexuals as well. This is a stupid word and pic up line. It's for posers that wish they were playing football with their cocks and ripped jocks

    3rd. I'm sick of the use of "boo" to describe everyone??!!!
    I mean a gay calls his friend "boo" and they kiss and then he calls his lover "boo" and they kiss and then he calls his lesbian roommate "boo" and they kiss....I'm slightly confused...?

    4th: What's wrong with calling somebody a "stud" or "dude" in the gay world?! I def. don't get the hate on those words. My good budd is totally a "stud"

    5th: I think it's all a mind game in the end. And as to "our people" and "our society"...why are we still segregating ourselves as a community? That's just what I feel as a twenty something (not old enough to get into the bars yet...which gives me some stereotypical fears of the scene already).

    Have a nice day : P

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  7. Several notes:

    1: This blog post is a little unclear. You comment of the variates of " Bro " and define in such. Then continue to say that , you would like to be called something else?

    I find that ironic in this culture, like substituting " Open minded" for "slut". Sounds better, looks nice, but end the end its the same.

    2:
    Very interesting considering you aren't ... Considering culture. "Bro "isn't some kind of universal slang for...whatever the hell your talking about. Sub divide cultures into sects of territory, study the language used in such, and diversify accordingly. No offense, but I find this blog post ignorant.

    Bro is used a lot. Its used differently. Its america.

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  8. Right on point. I am proud to say I hate the word and never use it. The only friend I have that may use it from time to time is my close friend who is straight that I've know or almost 14 years. And it is only because of how close we are that he would even use the phrase. Although I do not use it and hate the phrase, it does make you feel closer to the person who may call you "bro" as opposed some random moron on the street.

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  9. Finally someone addresses it! It drives me insane when someone calls me "bro." I guess it has to do with the way I grew up where having a bit of a Texas twang with the slang goes along with speaking that way is more of the norm instead of saying that god aweful word. If any of ya'll were to ever talk to me you would know I am from Texas. Anyways I had to put my two cents in.

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  10. I don't get it - what do you care what other people call other people? And why are gays who use the term singled out for comment? It's difficult for me to accept criticism of others' language usage from someone who writes "unfazed" as "un-phased", btw...or is "btw" too casual and heterosexual, too?

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  11. You gotta love some philosophy. Excellent analysis of a social paradigm, one of my favourtie things to do in my spare time. I will SO use the "don't accuse me of walking the same fallopian tubes as you" next time I get called "bro." Now THAT is wit, in it's truest form.

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  12. This whole non "Bro" thing is ridiculous. I use the terms Brother and Bro to express Brotherhood! Something lacking in the gay community is Brotherhood. Why are masculine terms "breeder slang", yet it's perfectly fine for men in the gay community to refer to other men as "sister". Referring to someone as Bro or Brother to me is not incestuous, it's Brotherhood. My friends, ages 20 to 40+ use it, because we view each other as family- the gay, str8 and bi. Some of us like having brothers that we didn't have growing up. Some of us like being identified as a like minded set of MEN, that are not fucking each other. Some of us know that the term means no one is alone, because we are family. So pull the dildo out of your ass, and stop looking to the het world for references on your own behavior. I would rather be a bro than a sister any fucking day of the week!

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