10 December 2008

Interview With A Divorced Gay Man

After last night's post, I got to thinking more in depth about human sexuality and the differences amongst each individual. What it means to be gay, straight, or bisexual and what the physical possibilities are within all of us. I decided to call up one of my past scene partners whose life has been incredibly different than mine and get his take on things. He was previously married to a woman but now considers himself 100% gay. This is what he had to say:

"I felt like I had built my life around this one lie and I feared that my world would come tumbling down if I ever revealed the truth that I was gay. That fear led me to expand the lie, it enabled me to push myself into a life that wasn't for me", He said. Then I asked him what it was like for him to have sex with a woman. "Deep down inside I knew I had no sexual attraction towards her or any other woman for that matter but I didn't want to hurt her, I did care for her emotionally. That, coupled with my fear of being found out was enough to push me to have sex with her. I know it sounds cold but it really was a trial for me. It's amazing what a person can force themselves to do. But each time got harder and harder for me. I had to focus on the physical sensation my penis was feeling, I sometimes closed my eyes and imagined I was with a guy, and I tried blocking everything else out. There was no passion in me for her, no fireworks." He later revealed to me, "It killed me to know that I was lying to a beautiful woman who deserved to have a man that fully appreciated her but at the same time I didn't want to be the one who broke her heart. In the end, I couldn't deny my absolute attraction towards men and I couldn't bear cheating as well as living a lie. My lifetime of cowardice ended up hurting not only myself but those who were closest to me. But I just had to move on, it was getting close to being a choice between killing myself or coming out. I chose to come out. After more than 30 years I finally feel like myself."

10 comments:

  1. Reading this post was like reading about my story as I had a very similiar life and I know exactly how he felt.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad to hear he chose the come out option. I know people who have gone the other way. They hurt more people that way then they do coming out. They just don't always realize that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I could have very easily gone down this man's path had I not decided I'd rather be hated for what I am instead of loved for what I'm not.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It sounds like a lot of the struggles a lot of us have with coming out to family and friends. We feel like we are expected to be a certain way and live our lives trying to make others happy and end up being miserable. You are not just lying to yourself, friends and family, but you are also hurting those people as well. I still have not told family but more and more friends know about my life now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. very interesting post but honestly speaking for myself, the only people i care about in this world are my parents so if u have to marry a woman to preserve their pride then so be it...there's no way i will ever come out of the closet. I will always live a closeted life especially since i come from a minority religion where marrying a woman outside of your faith is enough for people to boycott you so imagine what would happen to me if i married a man. My love for men and the male form will always be a secret...

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's not right to deny our real sexuality. This is your life and you're the one who matters. So just live your life the way it's meant to be.

    ReplyDelete
  7. milu, I'm sorry to hear that you are so involved in the familial cultural religious thing. It can be pretty pervasive. I'm not sure exactly which "minority religion" that is, but I could probably hit it within a few guesses. Have you ever read Freddie Mercury's life story? (He was a Parsi.) There are lots of Asian and Arab men who stay in the closet that way. They get married, live "normal" lives on the surface and carry on in secret. Hope you manage to deal with it OK.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That story has a very simple moral. Never deny yourself, or else that happens. Simple.
    But, this happens all of the time; and we can't stop it.
    Rather unfrotunate, but....what else can we do?
    Keep up the posts
    Take care
    Ciao
    Xx_RavsDesire_xX

    ReplyDelete
  9. coming out is so fucking over rated! what's the fucking point? i mean, you come out? then fucking what? you will basically end-up having meaningless until you're undesirable then you start paying for sex until you die. that's fucked up. i want to have a family. i will marry a woman...have kids...and go hunting when i get the urge to fuck. this way, i will have a family and not die a lonely fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mason, great post dude and this story plays itself out every day due to the restrictions that our society put on us and until we all are excepted as human beings and not judged on who and how we love, this is going to continue. The burning question remains, what and how can we create a society of tolerance? I dont think at this point in my life that will ever happen!!

    ReplyDelete