After last night's post, I got to thinking more in depth about human sexuality and the differences amongst each individual. What it means to be gay, straight, or bisexual and what the physical possibilities are within all of us. I decided to call up one of my past scene partners whose life has been incredibly different than mine and get his take on things. He was previously married to a woman but now considers himself 100% gay. This is what he had to say:
"I felt like I had built my life around this one lie and I feared that my world would come tumbling down if I ever revealed the truth that I was gay. That fear led me to expand the lie, it enabled me to push myself into a life that wasn't for me", He said. Then I asked him what it was like for him to have sex with a woman. "Deep down inside I knew I had no sexual attraction towards her or any other woman for that matter but I didn't want to hurt her, I did care for her emotionally. That, coupled with my fear of being found out was enough to push me to have sex with her. I know it sounds cold but it really was a trial for me. It's amazing what a person can force themselves to do. But each time got harder and harder for me. I had to focus on the physical sensation my penis was feeling, I sometimes closed my eyes and imagined I was with a guy, and I tried blocking everything else out. There was no passion in me for her, no fireworks." He later revealed to me, "It killed me to know that I was lying to a beautiful woman who deserved to have a man that fully appreciated her but at the same time I didn't want to be the one who broke her heart. In the end, I couldn't deny my absolute attraction towards men and I couldn't bear cheating as well as living a lie. My lifetime of cowardice ended up hurting not only myself but those who were closest to me. But I just had to move on, it was getting close to being a choice between killing myself or coming out. I chose to come out. After more than 30 years I finally feel like myself."