04 December 2008

The Onion is Healthy For You

I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians

Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don't all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I'm trying to say is, don't let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.

Like me. I may be a Christian, but it's not like I'm one of those wacko "love your neighbor as yourself " types.

God forbid!

I'm here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren't anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We're not all into "turning the other cheek." We don't spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn't mean we're all obsessed with extremist notions like "righteousness" and "justice."

My faith in the Lord is about the pure, simple values: raising children right, saying grace at the table, strictly forbidding those who are Methodists or Presbyterians from receiving communion because their beliefs are heresies, and curing homosexuals. That's all. Just the core beliefs. You won't see me going on some frothy-mouthed tirade about being a comfort to the downtrodden.

I'm a normal Midwestern housewife. I believe in the basic teachings of the Bible and the church. Divorce is forbidden. A woman is to be an obedient subordinate to the male head of the household. If a man lieth down with another man, they shall be taken out and killed. Things everybody can agree on, like the miracle of glossolalia that occurred during Pentecost, when the Apostles were visited by the Holy Spirit, who took the form of cloven tongues of fire hovering just above their heads. You know, basic common sense stuff.

But that doesn't mean I think people should, like, forgive the sins of those who trespass against them or anything weird like that.

We're not all "Jesus Freaks" who run around screaming about how everyone should "Judge not lest ye be judged," whine "Blessed are the meek" all the time, or drone on and on about how we're all equal in the eyes of God! Some of us are just trying to be good, honest folks who believe the unbaptized will roam the Earth for ages without the comfort of God's love when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior returns on Judgment Day to whisk the righteous off to heaven.

Now, granted, there are some Christians on the lunatic fringe who take their beliefs a little too far. Take my coworker Karen, for example. She's way off the deep end when it comes to religion: going down to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a month, donating money to the poor, visiting elderly shut-ins with the Meals on Wheels program—you name it!

But believe me, we're not all that way. The people in my church, for the most part, are perfectly ordinary Americans like you and me. They believe in the simple old-fashioned traditions—Christmas, Easter, the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide. That sort of thing.

We oppose gay marriage as an abomination against the laws of God and America, we're against gun control, and we fervently and unwaveringly believe that the Jews, Muslims, and all on earth who are not born-again Pentecostalists are possessed by Satan and should be treated as such.

When it comes down to it, all we want is to see every single member of the human race convert to our religion or else be condemned by a jealous and wrathful God to suffer an eternity of agony and torture in the Lake of Fire!

I hope I've helped set the record straight, and I wish you all a very nice day! God bless you!

You can read more articles like this at TheOnion.com - America's Finest News Source.


  1. God bless those of us who do not commit crimes or cause harm in the name of the God!

  2. I lose sarcasm when it comes to religion.

  3. Thank God, dude. For a moment I thought you were taking this blog in a different direction. I love The Onion, it's on my home page for my daily dose of humor.

  4. Well done! I enjoyed your sardonic blog. I am also impressed by your knowledge of theology. :-)

    Fundamentalism is the most dangerous notion of our time. It has turned much of the Islamic world into haters of non-Islamics (with consequences like Mumbai) and many Christians (especially south of the Mason Dixon line) into intolerant bigots.

    Love of God and neighbor (without prejudice) has taken a distant back seat to emphasis on rules and regulations which are from a different historical context. No one in the Western world would think of stoning an unfaithful woman to death (and, infact, Christ prevented it from happening once) or reserving the same fate for homosexuals. Unfortunately, in Islamic countries, homosexuals are still hung, stoned, and tortured in other, much as was done by the Jews of 2,000 years ago. When we forget that God created us all and loves us all equally, we've missed the boat.


  5. Wait a second....Is this for real? It's horrible. I mean I know thr are actually pentacostals who strickly believe this, but was this a sarcastic post? I actually like christians who go out and provide a service for the less fortianate, it gives a balance to thr crazy. Pentacostals are the cristains I actually have any form of contempt for. I believe they are just brainwashes from birth into thr beliefs, did you know they actually believe dancing is among the worst sins of the flesh? I feel terrible for the children forced to believe this crap as much as I hate thr parents for brainwashing them.

  6. This "Janet" thing is beyond a joke. How dare she talk about her opinions as if she is the higher one?! She sjould just fuck off and die for all I care. There must have been people offended with what she wrote. Seriously, what are Christians turning into?
    Beats me....

  7. i dont read the full history im learning english right now actually , and by myself withou any help, all that i can say is that i always visit Mason "My God" Wyler blog, i completely adore him and I will always do till the final day of my life :) hes so cool, inteligent, honest, white( i love this, im latin from Brazil ) his blue eyes and his dirty behavior, Kisses Mason i always pay tribute for you (when im alone in home clearly and mainly trough my solitaire nights)I'm already wasted so many cum for you that you simple could not imagine LOVE YOU and dont love pentecostal ideas!

    oohhh GOD how i love you Mason!!! I think that i can fuck with you even though your "positive" detail...