01 January 2009

Ask The Nation: Bisexual Looking For Love

Dear Mason,

When it comes to relationships, I feel that it is important to be straight forward and honest about who you are and what you believe. I believe that sexuality is a big part of what makes you, you. I am bisexual. I'm not confused about my sexuality, I'm not a gay man just pretending to be bisexual, I know what I like and I'm not ashamed of it. I dig boys AND girls. Which seems to always get me in trouble when I'm looking for love.

It's not like I introduce myself as bisexual right off the bat but normally after the third date or so I share that bit of information. Immediately afterwards, like clockwork, whoever it is that I am dating at the time will suddenly have a change of heart. Sometimes they're honest and tell me that they "can't handle" being with someone who is bisexual. Usually they lie and say everything is cool but by the time the next date is suppose to happen they cancel and then I don't hear from them again.

I don't get it. I'm not trying to brag but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I'm a 27 year old chemical engineer who is financially stable, mentally sound, and emotionally available. I stand 6'1", I have 170 lbs. of well-defined muscle, and my endowment is nothing to scoff at. I've never had any problems getting laid by men or women but when it comes to relationships, I always end up failing. Is being bisexual really that big of a turn-off? Or are gay men and straight women just really close-minded?

Sincerely,
Bisexual Hopeless Romantic

____________________________________________________________________

Dear B.H.R.

Contrary to the opinion of four urban chickens who famously squawked, "I thought bisexuality was just a stop along the way to Gay Town", I strongly believe that bisexuality is not a myth and that it's not always a step towards Gaydom. But with that being said, many people believe that it is and that my friend is why you are having trouble with being open about your sexuality while trying to land a steady boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think I speak for alot of out gay men when I say, subconsciously we equate bisexuality with greed, denial, and confusion. Many of us had to deal with all that back in high school. We've been emotionally attached to boys who left us for girls, we've experienced guys who renounced any homosexual contact they might of had with us as just mere experimentation, and we've dealt with boys so deep in the closet that no amount of rope could pull them out... Or maybe that was just me.

What's even more detrimental to your people are these new age "open minded" love hippes ie. flaming faggots (and I mean FLAMING) who for one reason or another think that spewing bullshit like... "it's the person that I fall in love with, not the gender..." makes them more attractive. Which leaves the rest of us GAY men thinking bullshit whenever someone claims to like both men and women. And nobody likes bullshit.

But in any case, I think that by the time most of us homos reach our 20's and beyond, we realize that there are millions of gay guys out there who embrace their sexuality and aren't afraid to label themselves accordingly. We realize that there is no need to be dealing with closet cases, boys in denial, hippie love BS, and yes, even true bisexuals. Relationships and Dating are complicated as is. Sometimes boyfriends quarrel over the smallest of differences. Why on earth would we want to deal with something as big as a difference in sexual identity when it's mainly our identical sexual attractions that bring us together?

I'm no expert on women but I can't imagine their reasons for staying away from you being very different.

My advice... Lie. Or date a fellow bisexual. I'm not saying there isn't a gay man or straight woman out there who is perfectly comfortable dating a bisexual man... But with the luck you've been having, I would assume they are hard to find.

Good Luck!
Mason Wyler

26 comments:

  1. Some if it difficult to date a person that they fell is "confused". When in reality there are many men and women that are true bisexuals. I'm totally gay, however I have dated bi guys before and find them to be quite interesting in the fact that they are open to all aspects of their sexually.

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  2. Dear B.H.R,

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and guess what he is bisexual. I personally don't understand how bisexual guy's clocks tick but it is very hard being with someone who is bisexual. The thought of worrying between other gay guys, women, bisexual guys, and guys on the downlow is very scary when your in a relationship with someone who is bisexual. Just from my experience i have learned to trust my boyfriend little by little but I'm not gonna lie the thought of him being attracted to anyone still scares me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you build up trust you should be fine. Also, maybe you should wait a little while before you tell someone about your sexuality. The manner you present the subject is also crucial. And Lastly before i bid you farewell some people are scared and not strong enough to handle a guy like you but there are some that can so be careful who you pick ;)...

    Mason's #1 fan,
    Jesse :D

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  3. I'm in the same boat as BHR. My last girlfriend freaked out when I finally told her I liked men, as well.
    My last boyfriend was always afraid of losing me to someone else. He was insecure. I try to be polite, I don't stare or hoot and holler and catcall every time I see an attractive individual. I try not to be so obvious about these things.
    I dated another Bisexual guy and it just didn't work out. Bisexual women are more open. That's what you need to go after. Haha. I wouldn't say lie to gay men or straight women, just don't tell them. I've learned that. I've also learned to make sure your friends know you're keeping quiet on that part of yourself for the sake of the relationship. I believe in honesty, but that will come along with time. Get to know the person first and then tell them, if they love you they won't have any problem with it. And stay faithful!

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  4. the problem with today,s society is that there is no such thing as bieng bisexual your either gay or str8 but there are people like yourself who like men and women and who date men and women so with society being so fucked my suggestion would be find a male and a female date them both of course behind each other,s back pick 1 of the 2 if it is the male my suggestion would be to just stick to men and lead a gay lifestyle if it is the female my suggestion would be to live a straight lifestyle good luck in your adventure,s

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  5. Finding the perfect person may never happen for almost all people, gay straight or bisexual. The only thing you need to do is stay true to yourself and don;t lie to anybody about yourself. You're going to like who YOU like regardless of what anybody else thinks. If the man or woman you happen to like can't deal with it, maybe they really don't love you as much as they say you did. We all deserve to be happy, and that especially includes you.

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  6. Dear BHR

    I think you'r right in being up front about your bisexuality, but maybe bring up later in the dating after the other person has gotten to know the real you. But is this really a question (for bothyou and the other) of sexuality or polygamy. If you're working on a relationship (i.e. monogamous)with a mature person, the bi-sexuality shouldn't matter. From what I read, if you find Mr/Ms Right you intend to commit to that person, and you would not think of sleeping around with the opposite of that person. It seems that the insecurity lies with the other person - he/she assumes that because you're bisexual, you need to satisfy your "other" side and not be faithful to him/her. If, on the other hand, you're looing for a "swinger" relationship, then maybe dating only bisexuals is the best way to go. So, be REALLY honest with yourself - who do you want to be with and how commited do you want to be, and then, look for equally honest, and above all, mature partners. Don't give up!

    -the desert rat

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  7. If ur bisexual then it's all good, just find someone who is willing to deal with that part of ur life. There are some couples that share a third with the opposite sex. I wouldn't mind that if i had to deal with that situation.

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  8. I totally understand this as I myself am bisexual. The biggest problem i get is trying to get a date with a girl, because for some reason they seem disgusted. At least some gay guys give me the time of day, but I have been pretty unlucky all the way around.
    Until lately, when I found a guy who is great to me, and even though he seems a little uneasy and jokes that he not only has to look out for guys, but girls as well, he genuinely doesn't seem too overwhelmed by it.
    He was put out by bisexuals as the last one he dated messed around with one of the girls he hung out with. For some reason, the few out there that show their faces as backstabbing non-monogamous jerks ruin it for the others who have to hide who they are because gay guys and straight girls can be prejudice, even though gay people and women have fought so hard for their right to not be looked down upon. I guess it must just seem right to do it to others.
    Don't give up though, you will find someone who can look past and see the decent guy underneath!

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  9. i dated a bi guy for 7 years. thought since he was an intense bottom, that i was giving him something that she wasnt able too.. i was wrong and during those 7 years he married a woman. the problem was by that time i loved him alot and the sex was hotter then ever. i wasnt invited to the wedding as she never knew of me. i broke things off, but gave him one hell of a night before the wedding fuck. after 2 months of marriage he called saying he missed me and we met for coffee where he told me he missed me and the times we had together. and that he still loved me and coouldnt stand not having me in his life. so, what does one do? friends told me to keep fucking him.. but, how do you do that when you know its not going no where? its not a one nighter, or just a fuck buddy.. its someone who you have feelings for that just wanted a "normal" life and not you? but has problems in bed with his wife only? anyone know what i should do?

    richard29pa@aol.com

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  10. I've been watching gay's, straights and bisexuals have relationships for 33 years. With bisexuals, I think the problem/assumption is that, assuming as Mason said you're not just pretending to be bi, that bisexuals simply won't be faithful, will want "threesomes" or will want to partner swap.
    I think it's assumed by whichever gender you're going out with that they will not be able to fulfill all of your needs, and so you'll naturally be harder to keep and will be less trustworthy.
    It's not fair to you to think that, but I'm guessing that's what's going through their heads.

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  11. Bisexuality usually causes cognitive dissonance for people who are distinctly straight or gay -- like the people you've been dating. You might want to check out a local bisexual support/social group just to meet other bi people if nothing else. There are lots of resources online.

    http://bisexual.groups.vox.com/
    http://serf.org/jon/soc.bi/

    ...etc. I'd say forget any combo groups that include G, L and T in their descriptions. Find one that is just for bi people.

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  12. theres no such thing as being "bi-sexual".. youre either straight, gay, or confused until you find out which one you prefer... sorry, but thats how i see it.

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  13. i'd love to date you! I would prefer a true bisexual male to date

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  14. Unfortunately, Ibelieve gay men and straight women really are that closed-minded.
    Speaking as a fellow bisexual, my advice starts off with a question. Do you favor one gender more than the other in regards to sexual and emotional attraction? I myself am sexually and emotinoally attracted to men more than women. Maybe you are sexually attracted to both equally, BUT are emotionally attracted to one more than the other. If such is the case, you might lessen your heartache as far as which gender you choose to pursue a romantic relationship with.

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  15. I've always believed that there are some "true" bisexuals out there. Hell, most of the gay men I know and have dated/slept with were with women at some point and time. However, I think it is unfair to "group" these people as confused or not willing to commit to one sexual orientation. In my mind, LOVE is LOVE so enjoy the one you're with and don't take it for granted!!

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  16. maybe i missed something, but is the issue whether you are bisexual or just a victim of current times. in this world of instant gratification (fast food, fast internet connections, instant payments, fast cars, fast planes, etc..lol) i have found that "quality" relationships are rare. i have luckly been in an "open relationship" for 28 years and most of the "affairs" that i have had have lasted several years, but judging from others, i am certainly a very lucky guy. i attribute my relationship "success" to being very open to comprimise, i have run across an overwhelming number potential boyfriends who seem to have no idea what the word "comprimise" means. i believe the "seventies" was named the "me" decade. well, whomever coined that phrase back then, had no idea about the times to come! 'cause we are certainly living in a "me" era now....

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  17. louisvilleguy84@yahoo.comJanuary 2, 2009 at 5:31 PM

    I agree that it is tough for bisexuals to find love with someone who is not because I used to be one of those people who ran from a relationship with a bisexual man. I didn't understand it and I didn't want to understand it. However, I dated a man for a year and a half and had a wonderful relationship with him...and he was bisexual. It was a part of who he was, and I loved it about him. You jsut gotta find the right guy. Hell, I think I'm a pretty good catch as well..cute, tall, slim, smooth, 24, special ed teacher, independent, funny, stable and just homosexual..and I can't find a man lol. I'd gladly date ya! :) Keep lookin'..she/he's out there.

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  18. I am a gay man and have absolutely no problem dating a bisexual guy. I have never considered them as being 'confused or greedy'. I have also had sex with straight guys who like sex with men but who wouldn't dream of having an 'emotional' relationship with another guy.
    I am not speaking on behalf of other gay guys but I think that having sex with a bisexual guy is not the issue for most. If we are only talking sex, then it would be cool for most who have one night stands, no string attach sex or aren't committing 'emotionally'. It is difficult for many people, gay or straight (mainly men!) to remain faithful; I fear it may be harder for bisexual guys. And I mean this in a supportive way.If you are bisexual, I can only imagine that should you start an 'emotional' relationship (by this I mean more than just sex with someone) with a woman for instance, how long will it be before you long for or 'miss' being with a guy? I know I would miss being with one or the other if I was bisexual.
    I guess this might be something a lot of people think about when they are 'confronted' with the situation of a person they have started dating telling them they are bisexual.
    It is hard for anybody - straight, gay or bisexual - to find the 'right' person to built an emotional relationship with.
    But if you want an honest serious relationship with someone you have to be open about your feelings and yourself. So you have to tell your partner that you are bisexual at some point; it might be better to wait until you know each other well, are sure of your feelings towards that person and are confident about the strength of your love for each other. If you are only looking for a casual relationship or are in an open relationship this shouldn't be such an issue ...
    Cheers. DJ.x

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  19. If you're as hot as you say, just keep fucking. At some point, you'll find your "glass slipper." Until then, don't worry about it. Love is difficult for everyone to find. It's only looking for those who aren't looking for it. At least you don't have the hindrance of being an amputee or an Arizona State graduate.

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  20. Three days is a short time to divulge that you're bisexual. I think you should wait for a longer period of time before divulging that. However, when the time comes to have sex, you must be open and honest about your sexuality. You may scare women off. Most women believe that if your playing,both sides of the fence, you're more apt to give them an STD or AIDS. This will always be a bone of contention with women because, in the back of their mind, they will wonder if you'll leave them for a Man. I suggest giving this more time before telling them you are bisexual. Also you should do it in a comforting way.

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  21. i'm tempted to read the rest of the comments but really don't feel like it lol. i am bisexual and BLACK which makes it very hard dealing with black women who deem anything not straight as DOWN LOW. but i say keep trying and be true to yourself. i love mason but i dunno how i feel about lying in any case. it might work here and be harmless as long as you are SURE you can be monogamous and not switch back and forth. for me, with guys i don't tell them i'm bisexual until they've already gotten comfortable with me. i mention it as an afterthought. the bigger a deal you make it, the bigger a deal it will be to them. if they tell u early on they don't do bi, decide whether you can find someone who does, or if you want to wait till later and risk him getting mad but he at least trusts you. i wouldn't tell a guy until later, but a woman needs to know as soon as possible because it's generally harder for them to accept and it can (in their opinion) ruin their life. they have enough trouble with straight dogs. but i don't think they understand how the true monogamous bisexual struggles. always feeling like ur missing some piece of the picture. hope this helps - lemme know. mrcmplicatd@aol.com. i'm still in the same fight brother. we'll find him/her.

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  22. Hmmm! Very Interesting! I'm in a realationship with a Bi guy...who thinks he is in love with a women he has never met but has,kept an online & phone realationship for 7 yrs...he says he wants to try it with her...but here I am...in love with him,and that hurts to think he will leave me for her, because he will never tell me he loves me, but she want him & him only and she wont stand for him being with a guy, so it's really never gonna work for him, but will it ever really work for us either...so it's really something to think about...sex is sex...but if ur heart is involved, than its more..

    Good Luck, Ricky35schaw

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  23. I currently have a boyfriend and a girlfriend who both know about each other and we have created awesome relationships among and between us...simply because we wanted to.
    The big difference was, we all stop trying to date people that we had to explain our sexuality to. Whether gay or straight or somewhere in between, if I have to EXPLAIN my sexuality outside of whether or not I'm attracted to you (whomever I'm speaking with) then I can't even be bothered, because YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND.
    The "answer" was simply to LIVE OUT LOUD, (not flaming mind you, just with no shame and no secrecy) and seek those people who choose to do the same.
    There's a whole CULTURE of people who. like you, embrace ALL OF IT, and I would've thought it impossible until I found them, and I've found them everywhere: LA, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago, London, Miami, West Palm Beach, Portland, Joshua Tree, NYC, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Idaho, south Dakota, and even Canada (Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal). I used to be surprised until I realized that those same people are LOOKING FOR PEOPLE LIKE THEM, which in this case would be you.
    But if you show up as one thing and then try to ease into being something else, it's like false advertising...ultimately disappointing. But if the people you're dealing with know right off the bat (that is, once you decide you want to "go there" with them) then you'll either know they're the one you're looking for or you'll know that they're NOT. In either case, you wont waste your time or theirs.
    The thing to remember is not to get discouraged because it will, initially, feel like "I'll never be with anyone"...which is bullshit. Anything worth having is worth waiting for, and if it were so easy EVERYONE would be doing it.
    I can promise you, there is a WHOLE OTHER WORLD of sexual freedom and sexual expression out there that will open their arms to you, and these people are HOT, SMART, YOUNG (and some not so young), Inspiring, SUCCESSFUL, and all around groovy people.

    Google: polyamory (which has been defined as the philosophy and practice of loving more than one person at a time with honesty and integrity).
    It's not the complete catch-all you may need but it's a doorway into what you're looking for because polyamorous people understand the nature of non-monagamy and yet they are not adverse to monogamy if they find someone they're willing to be with.

    Check out www.burningman.com- it's an INCREDIBLE yearly event in the desert. It's a community that exists forr one week and it's about radical self-expression AND inclusion. So people like you (us) gather and LIVE. It may, at first glance, seem like a freak show, but trust me, there are some brilliant minds and HOT BODIES galore.
    and that's just the beginning...

    Don't give up on what you're drawn to and dont settle for less. It's a mathematical impossibility that you're the only one. You're just the only one you know of...SO FAR.

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  24. Although it is true that gay men don't believe in bisexuality (either you are gay or you are not, no in between), i agree with mason that this is very hard for us to accept. In addition, i think there is an insecurity thing as well. Not only do i have to worry about losing you to another guy but there could also be a lady who could steal your affection from me. The threat of that possibility is just too hard for most of us to handle.

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  25. To be honest I don't see the point in telling people. You're bisexual whoopi doo! Now how does that affect the other person? If you're the monogamous type and faithful you're effectively straight or gay while with that person.

    When people tell me things early on that don't affect me or how we interact I always question why they are telling me, like is it some lead up to involving me in whatever they're telling me.

    If you're not the monogamous type well you're pretty much looking in the wrong area for suitors.

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  26. Pretty much everything that needs to be said others have, but I just wanted to add one recommendation: Every bisexual person should take a look at "Bi Any Other Name" by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu. There are a lot of uplifting stories, and if you're ever feeling alone or frustrated you can know there are a million other bisexuals out there.

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