17 January 2009

Still Single?

By Captain Faggot

According to the U.S. Census Bureau there are over 92 million single adults living in America and I'm guessing about 2% of that figure is gay men. If you're somebody who's in that 2% and you want out, then I'm here to help. But first we need to figure out why you're still single.

Because you live in BFE
As a gay man, you're in a very small portion of society. We're basically the invisible minority. We don't have rainbow colored skin or glowing eyelashes to help us find each other. Trying to find a gay man amongst the overwhelming majority of straight men is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Given our minute numbers and our lack of a unique and visible biological trait, living out in the middle of fucking nowhere doesn't help.
Solution: Move. More specifically move to a metropolitan area with a gayborhood. We all know that the big cities tend to be gay friendly, much more so than small town America, which is one of the reasons why hoards of us gay boys flock to places like San Francisco and New York. Remember, the more gays there are, the higher the chances that you will find a beau. CLICK HERE to check out the top 10 U.S. Cities in terms of GLBT Population.

Because you're cheap
Nothing kills a romantic evening quite like asking to split the check after dinner. Blame it on every sweeping romantic epic or run of the mill chick flick out there but going Dutch never wins you the girl (in this case its the bottom boy).
Solution: If you like the guy then always offer to pick up the tab or at least on the first few dates. If you aren't made of money and find yourself on a limited budget, then take your date to a place that you can afford. Need help finding an affordable yet first date worthy restaurant? The people over at Frommers and CitySearch can help!

Because you have bad breath
If the man of your dreams runs away when you lean in for a kiss, either he doesn’t like you or he doesn't like your breath. To find out if you're a bad breath offender, lick the back of your hand, wait a moment, then smell. If you detect a whiff of rotting food and BO, then it's probably time you revamp your oral hygiene regiment.
Solution: Go to a dentist to get a check up and a thorough cleaning. I would also recommend using a tongue scraper on a daily basis as well as Therabreath. Trust me, talking from experience, it works wonders.

Because you're a promiscuous slut

If you're a ridiculously hot porn star who wants an Asian boyfriend that will let you do whatever you want then this shouldn't be a problem. But if you're not then this is a serious problem. Sleeping around can speak volumes about a person. It says I'm easy, I'm horny, I've got a big dick, I've got STDs, I'm good in bed, I fucked your bestfriend, or... I'm NOT boyfriend material.
Solution: Stop being such a filthy whore. Can't do it on your own? Join a support group, Sex Addicts Anonymous offers group counseling at over 900 locations around the world. Who knows, you might find Mr. Right while you're there or at least Mr. Right Now. I always imagined that a sex addict group meeting would turn into one giant orgy, I'm probably wrong though.

Because you're a fat ass

Some may say that beauty is only skin deep, but none of us can deny that it's one of the biggest factors that plays a role in who most of us choose to date. Just look at our porn, our magazines, our go-go boys, our television shows, and other objects of our affections and desires. Let's face it, chubby-chasers are few and far between. If gay men make up for 2% of the population then gay chubby-chasers make up for 0.002% of the population. Looking for love when you already take up room for two isn't entirely hopeless, it just means you have to widen your horizons and try a little bit harder.
Solution: If you are happy with your body and you simply want to find guys like you, guys who will accept you for who you are, then might I suggest joining a Bear Club. There's also dating websites for bears, the one I found to be most helpful is called GayBearDating.com. If you are fat yet want someone who looks like...well... Mason Wyler or some other hot hard-bodied stud then I suggest you hit the gym and lose some weight. When people say opposites attract, they're usually talking about personality traits not body types. There are gyms everywhere: 24 hour Fitness, Bally Total Fitness, LifeTime Fitness, L.A. Fitness, Gold's Gym, and Crunch. Been working out and still can't get in shape? Then you're doing it wrong. Work out harder and longer, run... for miles, go on a diet, push yourself until you see results. Doing all that and still a fat ass? Then stop eating.

Because you're full of yourself
You're a fashion model or people tell you that you could be one and you scored a 1470 on your SATs. You know an A-list star and you've eaten at five star restaurants. You've got a killer personality and a six figure bank account. Why aren't people falling head over heals for you? Because you're already in love, with yourself. Bragging about spending $500 on a dinner makes you sound stupid, not attractive. If you look that good then your date will be able to SEE it, you won't need to spell it out for him. And nobody cares about who you know, besides wouldn't you want some that likes you for who you are instead of who you know or how much money you have?
Solution: Shut the fuck up and show a some humility. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or for Meals on Wheels to help turn on your humble switch.

Because you hate yourself
Are you a conservative republican? Did you vote Yes on Prop 8? Is Ann Coulter your hero? Do you believe in the bible and therefore think that being gay makes Jesus cry? Maybe you've always been a self-loather but could never exactly figure out why. Either way, you secretly hate yourself. Honestly, I'd hate you too. How do you expect anyone to fall in love with you when you can't even accept your sexual identity? And seriously, whatever reason you may have for being a gay anti-gay is NOT a good reason.
Solution: Grow up. I know, you can't just grow up overnight so I recommend taking a few baby steps. Start by finding a therapist, you probably need one. The APA Help Center can easily locate one for you. Then join these two groups, The Log Cabin Republicans and the Unitarian Church. You will find people who may be able to understand where you are coming from and who will help you become a better person.

Because your too close to your friends (especially your fairy princesses)

It's good to have close friends. It's not good to have friends who dictate your love life. Nothing deters a potential boyfriend like making him feel like he has to gain approval from your friends. And it's definitely a mistake to make a guy feel like he has to compete with your friends for attention. If you're the kind of gal that relies heavily on your friends for advice when it comes to problems in your relationships then you're definitely doing it wrong.
Solution: Keep your friends out of it. I'm not saying your lover and your friends should never meet, I'm saying the only people who should be allowed a say in what goes on in your love life should be you and the man you are seeing. Communication is key to making a relationship work, if there's a problem, talk to your significant other. If you are really that feeble minded that you can't make your own decisions then ask advice from someone who wouldn't be biased in any possible way, like a mutual friend or a total stranger. Your own friends, especially the ones with a clitoris, tend to get jealous of anyone new who takes your time and attention away from them, so inevitably, their advice will be slanted.

Because you don't know how to turn off your cell

You know those people you see walking down the street, texting away oblivious to the people and things around them? You know, the people you watch every now and then in hopes of seeing them unknowingly walk out into the middle of the street and get hit by a bus. No? Guess that's just me. How about the people you see out with their friends at lounges and restaurants yet their cell phones are glued to their ears, you know those people? Yeah, they deserve to be single. Answering your cell phone during any social dinner is bad manners, answering your cell phone during a date is just plain rude.
Solution: Turn your cell phone off. Better yet, just leave it home. I know I know, Your cell phone is your crack, you can't live without it but that is exactly why you must learn to do just that. Try turning your cell phone off for a day, then try to go for two days, slowly working your way up until you only turn it on when you need to. 10 years ago cell phones were not a necessity and that fact still remains. You don't need it, especially not on a date.

Because you're too old
According to the same U.S. Census data, almost 14% of the single population is over the age of 65. Which leads me to another harsh reality of being gay, we have an age limit. Yes, age is just a number... as long as that age isn't old. With each new wrinkle that appears on your face, 1000 gays boys lose interest in you. Every time your flesh sags another inch, you become invisible to another 1000 gay boys. Its a cold world out there, I know, but it's the truth. I've heard time and time again that us youngins are a shallow bunch, that when we reach old age we will realize that it's what is on the inside that counts. Its partially true and that kind of sucks for you, in my experience it's the old bitter fags who have the shitty attitudes, walking around like they own everyone and know everything. Usually the pretty young things have wonderful personalities, I mean they're pretty and young, what's there to be bitter about? But if in fact I'm looking through rose colored glasses and it's you old men who actually have all the wisdom and great personalities... then there in lies the solution.
Solution: Use your ability to look past one's exterior and start dating your fellow senior citizens. They have great personalities right? I know some of you already do so the rest of you need to follow suit or at least be content having a boytoy who is only with you for your money. If you decide to go the geriatric route then try SeniorFriendFinder.com. For boytoys try RentBoy.com. If all else fails then you could always throw a Lemon Party.

Because you look anorexic
Some of you boys are so skinny it hurts just to look at you. People want to be able to count your abs not your ribs. Looking like a pre-pubescent girl doesn't win you many admirers in a community where muscle is hot and thin is not. Granted some men love twinks but if the men you're after don't, then its time you put some meat on those bones.
Solution: Eat something and work out. Here are a few stellar options for gaining weight fast: McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC, P.F. Changs, Whataburger, Sonic, Dairy Queen, Pizza Hut, Shipley's Donuts, Krispy Kreme, Carl's Jr., Dunkin Donuts etc. If you are someone who suffers from a high metabolism (fuck you), then it may do you some good to eat just one big meal a day, doing so may lower your metabolism thus enabling you to pack on some weight. Careful though, America doesn't need another fatty.

Because you only form crushes on straight guys

OK we get it, you're a masochist. You love trying to get the unattainable and you think getting a straight guy to have gay sex with you would be hot. Or maybe you only want a masculine man and you think Masculinity is synonymous with heterosexuality. News flash, a real straight guy will NEVER have sex with you... unless he's desperate for cash and you pay him. Also, the masculine gay man is NOT a myth, there are plenty of unattainable masculine gay guys out there.
Solution: Get your priorities straight err... gay and start chasing Homos who are out of your league. You never know, one might actually like you back. Start by visiting one of these stud-filled gay bars: Minibar in Chicago, Round-Up Saloon in Dallas, the Abbey in West Hollywood, Napolean's Itch in New Orleans, or the Gym Sports Bar in New York City.

Because your too picky

Let's try an experiment. Make a list of all your "deal-breakers", the qualities in a guy that would bar him from ever being your boyfriend. If that list is as long as this whole article then you've got a lifetime of loneliness ahead of you. Nobody is perfect, not even for you, and this you've got to realize.
Solution: Learn to take the good with the bad. No one is telling you to settle, hold firm to the big things like... can't have missing teeth, must be able to read, must not be sleazy, must have a job etc. but try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they don't meet one of your lesser qualifications like must speak Greek or must not drink Fanta... You see the great thing about people and their personalities is that we have the ability to change. Relationships take compromise, that whole take me exactly as I am or leave me bit is bullshit. If love is something as powerful as all the happy couples say it is, then it will change you and your future partner. That my friend is the silver lining. People will change for the ones they truly love, including you. So you know, if something really bothers you about the guy then once he falls for you, you can make him change it.

Need advice?
Email me at Captain_Faggot@Yahoo.com



  1. I fall under the last one i guess. my friends tell me im to picky. but what do I do. Im not a greek god but im not ugly in the least. im told frequently that im hot. i dont see it, maybe im to hard on myself. but I dont know what to do. any advice??

  2. I do have a small problem doing stuff with straight guys that will lead nowhere

  3. WOW! That was an AMAZING article and let me tell you, I agreed with EVERYTHING!! And, I'm a poor, older, not well built gay man!


  4. Oh, that was so right about everything, it was pretty funny, but its still truthfull.

  5. Great idea Mason. Don't forget gay chat. I indirectly met my boyfriend on a chat. The man I met on this gay chat has organised a party in a restaurant with four of his gay friends and one of this four is my actual boyfriend for more than ten years. (Sorry for my english, I am a 52 years old french man).

  6. And if an overweight (not even fat, just overweight) guy isn't into bears?
    I don't really understand why gays must be either greek gods/twinks or bears, nothing in the middle!

  7. What happens if none of those apply. I know why I'm single. I'm a slightly disagreeable guy who isn't willing to change. And I prefer solitude. Don't get it twisted. I love booty. Wish I got more, but the game has passed me by.

  8. James-
    If you prefer being single then you don't need to change. You are fine as is. This article is for people who want a relationship but are having problems attaining one.

    The Captain

  9. Great Blog, Captain.

    I guess I fall into a few of your categories. I live in Alaska. I'm over 40. I've got a few extra pounds on me that I have trouble getting rid of. I'm a Fiscal conservative but socially liberal (not to the point that I'm screaming gay marriage now, but at the point where I do say we need at least the same rights that are associated with marriage, even if it's called Domestic partnerships or something else.)
    However, I'm not poor or stingy about the money I have, I ALWAYS pick up the check on dates, I'm not horrid looking for my age, I've been told I have a great sense of humor, I take care of my hygene, and I'm NOT promiscuous or stuck on myself. I know the boundaries with my friends (I set them a long time ago!) and I leave the cell phone in the car on dates. I guess I kinda hit half and half...what now?

  10. Another issue that makes it hard to date where I live are crackheads - you can't enjoy being around people because they can't control their party favors or you have to hide everything to keep stuff from being stolen! Then you have the mind games that go along with them.

  11. I heard that bars and clubs are the worst place to find boyfriend material but if that is the case, where would you find people?
    Also, I haven't dated and wondered if there were any pointers as to find help and info?

  12. none of those option apply on me, i know what my problem is, i'm a bad socializer i can barely keep a conversation with someone, i feel like i don't know what i should talk about. i'm not that bad looking but i just can't keep the guys interest on me when i'm that quieted

  13. :S i left someone who i thought perfect for one major reason: he has a bad breath! :S

  14. Well as I got older, I realized that getting a date was going to get harder and harder, so I comprimised....hey, there is not a man out there that will be everything to you.

    So now I don't have to date anymore, just look at porn.

  15. I'm very sorry, but this blog basically undermines everyone who is at least attached to one category. This is basically a handbook on how to live, and people will take this seriously. For example, when you talk about "Because you're a fat ass" and the solution, you are basically telling thme the "norm". Can't you accept that people are different and appreciate differences in our society? If everyone was like your "perfect" person, then this world would be more fucking boring than it is now.
    What doesn't help is that all of you live in an unfair society. And your last sentence really is the blower of your piece. "Then stop eating". What happens if that person has a eating disorder? Or has a mental problem that makes them that way?
    Think about that before you make such rash decisions and judgements again.
    If there is only one thing I can say to you, it would be this:
    If you believe that what you do is helpful to society and benefits everyone, then believe me; you're fucking wrong, my friend. You can speak any old trash, but I can see right through you.
    Take care then

  16. My situation is probably far from unique, but it is in fact quite a big problem. I simply do not have any gay "mannerisms", I am not out, and I really have little to no interest in anything relative to gay culture. I even had a steady girlfriend for a little over a year, boy was that fun. I really wish I was straight because I am ALMOST there, just that silly roadblock of, you know, getting a hardon for those guys at the gym. How cruel life can be.

    I'm 19, just started college at a campus of ~10,000 students that is 98% guys; you'd think I'd be in heaven. Problem is, I have yet to encounter a single gay person. Why? Because my guess is that most of them are just like me, not out, str8 mannerisms, etc.

    So what's a guy to do? Other than wearing a shirt around that says "by the way, I'm GAY" I have no clue how I could find those other people (and no, I can't just move, my scholarship is not as concerned with finding other fags as I am ^^).

  17. Kyle-
    Where on earth do you go to college??? The only all men (or at least 98% men) colleges in the U.S. usually only have around 1000 students or less, even the Naval Academy only has 4,000. Are you sure you aren't EXAGGERATING that figure?

    P.S. EXAGGERATION is a gay trait ;)

    The Captain

  18. @Captain Faggot

    Guilty as charged, it's less exaggeration and more wishful thinking. When you're only paying attention to the men the rest [ahem, women] becomes less noticeable. I would say a 70/30 split would be a little more reasonable.

    FTR I go to Arizona State Univ., not the main campus which is considerably more gender-diverse. My campus has very male-centric majors: aviation (lots of pilots...), engineering, and some science fields; I myself am majoring in Chemical Engineering.

  19. Just so the captain knows, everyone exaggerates, you idiot....

  20. Yes, I'm going to up root my life and quit my job just so I can move to the bright, progressive city and meet a man. Being in a relationship is just that important. Besides, we're so backwards and close minded in Small Town, USA, anyway. I'll move to a "gayborhood" so that I can isolate myself from the real world and pretend everyone is OK with the lifestyle I live. Then I'll be so shocked when something like prop 8 passes. "But everyone I know voted against it! I don't understand." Give me a break.

  21. harsh , but true

  22. It would seem that Capt. Faggot forgot something called "timing".