01 February 2009

James B. Wyler here and what I don't like

By JAMES B. WYLER

After a torturous negotiation, Mason is letting me write for him. My job is to be the resident crank. The old man in your neighborhood who hates everybody. Think Eastwood in Gran Torino, minus any guns and Oscar buzz. If you lack a sense of humor, think too highly of your opinions, or are easily offended you will despise everything I write. That's okay. I'm used to being disliked. Being old, fat, colored, and a sodomite prepares you for hate juice.

So let's get started. Here is a random list of stuff that annoys. Enjoy. Or not.

1. Porn stars who don't kiss: when I put down my retirement money for some gay porn, I expect a decent product. Nothing is a bigger sin than bad porn, and any of it that doesn't have lip locking is lousy beyond measure. And by kissing, I don't mean what those sissy Bel Ami boys do (which looks like a dog lapping water).

2. Queens who don't read books: sure the media world is dying and books are so last century, but any faggot who does not use his/her library card (or spend some cash at a local independent) needs to stop wasting air.

3. Madonna: this harlot had to take singing lessons so she could sing in that movie wreck called Evita. What else needs to be said?

4. Tedd Haggard: will Diesel Washington and Barrett Long kidnap this punk and DP the fuck out of him already! Come on Chi-Chi. Set this shit up.

5. Anyone who extols the past as a better time: old motherfuckers like me do this all time. Talk about "back in the day" as if it were Nirvana. Like the Judge said in Blood Meridian: Men's memories are uncertain and the past that was differs little from the past that was not.

6. Sexist queens: any guy who puts dick in his mouth or his booty, is required to keep the misogyny at home.

7. Bad peach pie: anyone who makes terrible peach pie deserves to be stomped to death.

8. The gay marriage debate: when did we turn into whiny whores? If I hear one more queen complain how unfair it is he can't marry his man, I'm giving up porn watching ( the industry would collapse minus my cash). Jesus. Life is unfair. Get over it.

9. American Idol: any show that put the words Clay Aiken in the public sphere is a harbinger of doom.

I know 10 is the standard, but 9 is all you get. See you next week-end. Or not.

20 comments:

  1. I'm in love with you. Whole hearted-ly and rather emphatically in love.

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  2. Wow, after weeks of inactivity, it's another blogger who ISN'T Mason. I wish I understood why Mason thinks people want to come to his blog to read posts from people who AREN'T HIM.

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  3. " don't mean what those sissy Bel Ami boys do (which looks like a dog lapping water)."

    LOL exactly my thought. It reminds me of my cats at the milk dish. Maybe they think that shows off french kissing better- who knows?

    Here is a ten for you- at least its one of mine. People that add you as a "friend" on MySpace and then don't bother writing back when you send messages, or worse yet ask a question. Good post!

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  4. Hey James B., I pretty much agree with you on most of your points, except #1.

    Those Bel Ami boys are adorable, and sometimes they do kiss passionately. But the licking and lapping are also a tease and a turn-on for lots of people.

    Another point in George Duroy's favor is that he has never (to my knowledge) displayed condomless fucking in one of his productions, and has made a fortune anyway. So much for the argument that audiences demand high risk porn.

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  5. Seriously, a slow and painful death by stomping is wayyyy better than anyone who makes a bad peach pie deserves. But, I mean, I suppose we all have to be merciful sometimes.

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  6. Please add women drivers in their SUVs to that list

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  7. Anyone who can't see the importance of equal marriage rights and derides those who do as "whiny" needs to stop blogging and grow a pair.

    Fucking despicable.

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  8. Where's Mason? Is he too busy to talk to his fans on this site? I sure hope he isn't going to abandon us and work exclusively on his other site. We miss you, Mason! :-)

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  9. *gasp* Give up porn watching? You are a rebel, James. Just wait 'til we tell Mason.

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  10. I think you should post more bitchy rants. I love them. I love it when people bitch about something I think it's fucking hilarious.

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  11. i thought this post was awesome..... nice change of pace.

    keep it up!

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  12. I love this LOL Bel Ami boys doing what I called a fish kiss your are right this has become "dog lapping" look if you are not going to kiss him for real then don't kiss at all. good peach pie is hard to find!

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  13. Andy, England. Where language was invented.February 4, 2009 at 7:20 AM

    Oh haha, threats of death and violence that don't match the crimes. It's up there with Vonnegut or Thompson. Simply awful. Unintellectual drivel from a stereotype asking only to be a stereotype (colored, fat and gay: try reality TV). Someone get me some flame retardant for this flaming retard. Bad decision Mason, particularly after chastising the idiots for ignoring the author of the posts and asking for free cum shots.

    xx Love you still, Mason xx LOLZ WUT UP DOGZ

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  14. I can't say that I disagree with any of those! Great post. Esp. the gay marriage thing...I'm so with you on that.

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  15. This is seriously epic. I enjoyed this fully. Keep up the good work :)

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  16. If all you gotta say is trash talk about Madonna then who gives a f8ck what you say?

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  17. I must agree with you, except on Madonna. I feel she did the show justice by ACTUALLY getting lessons and Ray of Light was a great album. As a former fan, I must say, she has been in a slow & steady decline since then. Great live performer but WAY to uptight and anxious to do something "different".

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  18. When are we going to hear from Mason?

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  19. LOL i love this post! sounds like this guy i work with. i dunno wtf peach pie is. is it similar to peach cobler? if not then ur on ur own. either way, this post rocks! nicely done and F anyone who disagrees ;-)

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  20. Some interesting points....
    However you must not forget that there will be people who take great offence to it. If you already know what the consequences are, then I will support you in your decision.
    Take care
    Xx_RavsDesire_xX

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