By JAMES B. WYLER
After a torturous negotiation, Mason is letting me write for him. My job is to be the resident crank. The old man in your neighborhood who hates everybody. Think Eastwood in Gran Torino, minus any guns and Oscar buzz. If you lack a sense of humor, think too highly of your opinions, or are easily offended you will despise everything I write. That's okay. I'm used to being disliked. Being old, fat, colored, and a sodomite prepares you for hate juice.
So let's get started. Here is a random list of stuff that annoys. Enjoy. Or not.
1. Porn stars who don't kiss: when I put down my retirement money for some gay porn, I expect a decent product. Nothing is a bigger sin than bad porn, and any of it that doesn't have lip locking is lousy beyond measure. And by kissing, I don't mean what those sissy Bel Ami boys do (which looks like a dog lapping water).
2. Queens who don't read books: sure the media world is dying and books are so last century, but any faggot who does not use his/her library card (or spend some cash at a local independent) needs to stop wasting air.
3. Madonna: this harlot had to take singing lessons so she could sing in that movie wreck called Evita. What else needs to be said?
4. Tedd Haggard: will Diesel Washington and Barrett Long kidnap this punk and DP the fuck out of him already! Come on Chi-Chi. Set this shit up.
5. Anyone who extols the past as a better time: old motherfuckers like me do this all time. Talk about "back in the day" as if it were Nirvana. Like the Judge said in Blood Meridian: Men's memories are uncertain and the past that was differs little from the past that was not.
6. Sexist queens: any guy who puts dick in his mouth or his booty, is required to keep the misogyny at home.
7. Bad peach pie: anyone who makes terrible peach pie deserves to be stomped to death.
8. The gay marriage debate: when did we turn into whiny whores? If I hear one more queen complain how unfair it is he can't marry his man, I'm giving up porn watching ( the industry would collapse minus my cash). Jesus. Life is unfair. Get over it.
9. American Idol: any show that put the words Clay Aiken in the public sphere is a harbinger of doom.
I know 10 is the standard, but 9 is all you get. See you next week-end. Or not.