07 October 2009

Heartless


Five years ago I was simple. Simple career goals: Join the Peace Corps and Teach history. Simple living standards: My own apartment, a 60 inch HDTV, and a car that runs. Simple desires: A little black book with numbers that I could call whenever I was in need. That was all I ever wanted out of life. Now everything seems so complicated and I don't know what I want anymore.

Marcus took me by surprise. I never wanted to be in a relationship but for the past five years I've had the chance to experience the world as a boy in love. It may not have been your typical loving relationship but it had all the same inner workings of one, including promises of forever, deep passionate kisses, and the inability to function without one another. There is so much love between us but yet it's not enough to keep us together. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I need. It took a few months of fighting, a handful of insults, and a ton of heart ache for us to finally accept our defeat but the war is over. The smoke has cleared. There is no victory. Both sides have lost.

Yesterday was our goodbye. As he was leaving I told him that I would always love him. I told him that I want to remember the good times and forget about the bad. I told him to keep in touch and that I'd like to be friends. He wanted to say something back, he opened his mouth but nothing came out. Tears began rolling down his face and we both knew if he stood around any longer he would of ended up staying. So he simply kissed me on the cheek, took what's left of my heart, and left.