30 May 2011

A Simple Plan for Stopping the Spread of HIV in America, and for Alleviating the Strain HIV Infections Place on Society

It is a saddening subject to those who are American by birth and disease free by the grace of God, when they are reminded every so often, by way of gossip, dating profiles, and news media, of the prevalence of HIV carriers within our once great nation and of the rate at which they multiply. These carriers, instead of being able to contain their illness to themselves, are carelessly infecting tens of thousands healthy humans every year. These tens of thousands either soon learn of their ill-fated situation and imprudently spread their undesired acquisition to countless others, or they don't ever bother to find out that they have become newly minted vessels of such a devastating disease and unknowingly propagate their sickness anyway.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the prodigious and growing number of HIV carriers operating indiscriminately in our communities are, in the present deplorable state of the country, an unnecessary burden to our government and an inexcusable risk to healthy members of society. However, my intent is not restricted to safeguarding Americans from the pitfalls of just HIV, it is of a much greater extent and can be applied to all those who voluntarily endanger the future of the country and its citizens.

After many years of contemplating upon this serious topic, I have analyzed the current proposed solutions to the problem touted by many others and have found them greatly flawed and misleading. It is true, the use of a condom during intercourse is effective in preventing the transmission of HIV most of the time, but to say condoms are the answer to the HIV epidemic is both shortsighted and unreasonable. It is not possible to force 100 percent of the population to use condoms during intercourse 100 percent of the time. Therefore, the viability of condoms ending the spread of disease rests solely on the desire of the people to use them by their own free will, and extensive data shows their desire is lacking. Furthermore, this unnatural apparatus is rarely remembered in times of desperation, drunkenness, or instant arousal, which is when most sexual exchanges occur. Solutions such as vaccines and cures seem to be the answers everyone is waiting for but never get. Every so often, word gets out of a possible cure or vaccine, always years in the making and perpetually a decade away. These are nothing more than false hopes. Other remedies such as pharmaceutical drugs, only serve to suppress the virus within the body rather than eradicate it, adding insult to injury by gifting toxic beings with more time upon the earth to damn more along with them.

The number of HIV carriers within U.S. borders stands at nearly 1.5 million and it is estimated that roughly 50,000 join their ranks annually. The question which stands before us today, is how to effectively end their proliferation into our decent society and neutralize the risk they pose to the well-being of others. Previous and current proposals mostly deal with how the virus itself works on a microscopic level, how it is spread, and how to treat it. These endless endeavors are costly, complicated, time-consuming, and ultimately ineffective. Therefore, I shall now modestly propose my own plan which I hope will be given profound consideration by all.

I have been assured by a scholarly eugenicist and a very dear friend of mine that most, if not all, HIV positive people are detrimental to progress and will surely not be mourned or missed if they were systematically executed into extinction.

The foremost step in my plan is to implement laws which allow for the swift identification of all HIV positives subsisting amongst the people. Hospitals and clinics should be required to hand over all HIV test results and records to law enforcement agencies. Using these records, officers will be able to track down a great many of perpetrators in a short amount of time.

The police should also be given the authority to stop anyone they deem suspicious and subject them to HIV testing. A deeply insightful person, a true lover of his country, and whose morals I highly regard was recently gladdened in discussing this matter and offered up a bit of wisdom. He pointed out that the typical HIV case is either homosexual or black, sometimes both, and is either a drug addict or sexual deviant, sometimes both. Using this information, we can utilize the brilliance of racial profiling to save time, and thus money, by focusing the majority of our search in the homosexual and black communities.

Other necessary identifying measures which should be taken include: testing of all travelers entering the U.S. as well as testing all airline passengers traveling domestically, mandatory HIV screening of all those wishing to enroll in all levels of education, requiring confirmed negative status to gain employment, and the taking of blood samples from anyone seeking medical attention.

I have taken the liberty to personally try out all HIV tests available and have found OraSure's OraQuick Advance HIV Rapid Antibody Test, which uses saliva to give a result in 20 minutes, to be the most efficient. Its portability and relative cheapness make it the ideal tool for all precincts to use in our war against AIDS. If budget shortfalls make it difficult to stock every precinct, airport, border station, school, hospital, and clinic in the nation with these tests then money must be taken out of education for the time being. This is a matter of national defense and must be given unwavering priority.

Once someone is found to be HIV positive, they must be properly executed. I meditated on the idea of having them shot dead in the homes, work places, and streets where they are found but I soon came to my senses and realized how scarring these executions would be to innocent witnesses who might happen to be passing by. Therefore, I humbly suggest HIV carriers be shipped out to temporary make-shift extermination compounds which would be set up all over the country. There, they can be executed, out of sight, using a range of tactics.

Taking examples from some of the past's most ambitious and visionary leaders, I have compiled a few ways these executions may be administered. For the brunt of the eradication process, I believe death by firing squad or death by toxic gas to be the best options. Firing squads using rapid fire machine guns are useful when killing tens of thousands needs to be done is a short amount of time. It is the quickest method by far but may also be quite unorganized. If machine guns are used for mass exterminations, marksmen will need to go in afterward and sift through the piles of bodies to ensure all have perished. Gas chambers are a good choice for meticulous wardens who prefer a job done thoroughly versus quickly. In the past they have proven to be very efficient, killing 100% of those locked inside of them, and I am assured the method has been perfected over the decades. Other methods which may be deployed later on might include starvation, bombing, or drowning. When it comes to disposal of the bodies I strongly suggest burning them as to not unintentionally pollute the soil.

I think the great virtues of the proposal which I have made are obvious and many. Firstly, it would once and for all rid America of HIV, with whom we have battled with for over 30 years. Secondly, it would greatly lessen the number of addicts and perverts, most of whom are the ones with HIV. Thirdly, it would usher in the general acceptance of intercourse without condoms, making natural sex seen as pure once more instead of risky or demented. Fourthly, it would free up government resources so that money typically being wasted on social services for the undeserving may go towards more noble causes such as corporate-tax rebates which help promote job growth or military funding which protects our freedom.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, once America has been cured of this most nasty of illnesses, the ingenuity of my plan is that it can be applied to other harmful cancers that plague our nation such as the chronically homeless, the obese, and the mentally handicapped. Pharmaceutical companies profiting from the perverse illness would be forced to focus on more acceptable maladies such as premature ejaculation and Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. The world will finally be free of the Black Eyed Peas.

A bold man, who I owe my inspiration to, once had an ingenious idea to prevent the poor children of Ireland from becoming a burden upon their parents and country and its his words I graciously close my essay with, " I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich."

37 comments:

  1. Good God Mason, I read this post THREE times and was about to leave you a VERY mean-spirited message, then I figured I should look one more time... Then I saw that this post is labeled under "Humor"

    But lets wait and see how many totally fail to get it :(

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  2. Biology is a very complex field... If we started to kill people just becuase they have HIV is crazy. By that definition, if some one has Hepatitis C, they should be killed. It seems, ur very depressed about HIV. True, we should protect humans from dangereous virus. By use of condom, we can protect everyone not just HIV but tons of other STDs such as siphillis, hpv, etc..
    Mason, I am hiv- and very scared of this virus. Yet, i literally love that innocent face of yours that you have. Cheer up, we will soon have a vaccine, that will protect us. The reason vaccine never came into being, becuase this issue was politicized..

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  3. Who the hell is this fuck-tard who wrote the article.

    He made good points about the spread of HIV being alarming, but the method in which he proposed to stop HIV spread dead in its tracks is utterly cruel and downright evil!

    What the hell!?!!? Execution!? by Firing squad? I would like to bitch slap this bastard to kingdom come.

    I still believe that education and awareness is still the best course of action against the spread of HIV. And those who are positive should exercise caution as not to accidentally propagate to others.

    In any case, I still continue to pray that our world's scientist would eventually be able to find a cure for it. As for other diseases too. No one should have to suffer through such disease. Everyone should be given their time to do good on this earth.

    Nat--

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  4. A truly Modest Proposal, my friend! It is Swift and effective, for certain.

    -curtsy

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  5. People should google the famous satire "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift, if you would like to better understand what Mason is doing in this post.
    -Brian

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  6. Well written and well argued. Instead, though, might we have Montana or Alaska or both. No one much likes them anyway.

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  7. Wow! I can't believe anyone would not see this as the satire that it is. Anyone who even has an idea what Mason is about should know he would NEVER advocate any of his "proposals".

    Personally, I think this is one of the most brilliant pieces of satire I've read in years.

    You go Mason!

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  8. if this is meant to be satirical then the satire is lost. you, sir, are no comedy writer. if this is meant to be for real then it is implausible.

    the amount of federal and state resources required to pull something like this off is too much for a country already in debt to china. also it is a clear violation of one's civil rights. and if you think a republican controlled house gives a shit about us fags and our HIV then you have another thing coming. i'm sure they'd rather us wipe each other off of the face of the planet.

    you make a point that using a condom 100% of the time is never going to happen. this is because there are those of us who make condom use seem as if it is some sort of inconvenience and it really isn't. think about it, as men we could have it so much worse. i mean, it's not like we have to carry around diaphrams. if we put more of an emphasis on safer sex then we will at least be able to slow the transmission rate. also early sex education and the inclusion of a lgbtq element in sex ed classes is needed. let's start at the ground level and educate young men and women about their bodies and how they can be effected by STDs, pregnancy and the emotional ramifications of sex. we are used to operating within a shame culture when it comes to sex. let's encourage kids to be proud of their bodies and to respect themselves enough to make a decision about bareback or protected sex with education on the consequences to their actions.

    it was a well written blog piece though. good job. at least people are discussing it.

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  9. i love you. so much.

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  10. I am shocked that anyone would even entertain the idea that you are serious and discuss the "state resources required." People, read more. Jeeeezus.

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  11. Ummm....couldn't you just write about one of your sexual hook-ups? That's what I really like to read about - Mason being a naughty, naughty pig.

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  12. Being newly HIV, Mason is currently going through a lot of mental anguish, which is anticipated for newly seroconverted adults. We cannot blame him for that. Mason does have two flaws in his article, though, one of which he personally highlighted. The cost of implementing these HIV tests nationally would be so extravagant that, especially in this modern economy, not one community in America would inact this into policy. Mason's answer is to provide budgetary shortfalls to the education system, but every reader knows that will simply not occur. Mason's second flaw, which he does not mention, is that Over the Counter (OTC) HIV exams do not have a high probability for accuracy, yet Mason wants to implement these self-testing kits to ultimately determine one's macabre butchery? If so, we might as well take home pregnancy tests as a means to federally mandate female tubal ligations. To my fellow readers, it is important to not take Mason seriously in this particular blog entry. To Mason, you have to remember that us readers admire you and it may be better to post more rational entries. You're a talented and well educated young man, Mason. Blog about porn. You're never going to be head of the Centers for Disease Control.

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  13. Mason - you are amazing. Brilliant satirical writing! Maybe you have missed your calling? On second thoughts - don't give up your day job. You are still my favourite porn star;-)

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  14. Mason-
    I started off reading this and being concerned, then I realized that you were taking one piece of literary satire and updating it for our current world. Thank you! now if only people could understand the history behind this and your genius. Big Hugs, and keep yourself safe and healthy.

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  15. Anonymous totally needs to quit flip-flopping. First he loves you, then he hates you, then he loves you again, then he feels pity for you, then he calls your proposal modest, then he blasts this post as being a poor attempt at satire. Seriously, Anonymous, pick a damn emotion.

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  16. You are so kool! I got what you are saying and you are right on. I just wonder how many will think you really mean then and get their panties in a wad.
    If you dont get this then go do a search for A Modest Proposal, Which is a Juvenalian satirical essay written and published anonymously by Jonathan Swift in 1729. In this essay Swift suggests that impoverished Irish might ease their economic troubles by selling their children as food for rich gentlemen and ladies.
    This caused of course quite a stir back then but he made his point and made you think. Good job Mason and I hope to one day get to meet you, and when I do well lets just say fun will be had by all grin. You are so sexy woof!

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  17. The most fucked up this surreal story is that many people will want to become a reality. While many would take big and unpleasant surprises.

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  18. A much better parody to honor the author of "Gulliver's Travels" then that monstrosity called so by Jack Black.

    Jonathon Swift would approve. Funny and thought provoking.

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  19. As first-poster, didn't I say that many people would fail to get it? Now, something a bit, but not totally, off-topic:

    This kinda reminds me of a law passed in Washington or Oregon in the 90s. It [more or less] stated that a person serving time for child molesting would be evaluated prior to release, and if found that they would 'likely' do it again, the state could keep this person incarcerated indefinitely. Many people applauded the law since it targeted people convicted of a most heinous crime: who could be against such a law?

    Its a slippery slope people, the state starts out with this [honorable] goal. But how long until the law is expanded to include murderers, then armed robbers, car thieves ... shoplifters. People who ran a red light?

    Remember NAZI Germany people. "He who forgets the past," it is said, "is doomed to repeat it."

    Jimmy

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  20. What some people don't/can't understand is the utter hypocrisy that exists in our world. Mason while being forced out of the HIV Closet (in part) tried to hold his head high and not accept the boundless amounts of stigma that exists. With his celebrity status (and cuteness), we talked/blogged/and chattered on about him for days if not weeks. He's for sure not the only young/sexy porn star that's HIV+, he may be the only one that we know of, but that's not the same thing. The others manage to live a life in relative privacy and some of us can continue to fantasize about them as being 'clean', 'ddf' when if fact they are not. Even those code words are a disservice they distract and further stigmatize the virus. If a master list of every person who has tested HIV+ hit the Net tomorrow would we all wake up and decide "Hey this is not just a problem for the 'dirty whores' this is a problem that affects us all" How many of us would find an ex bf, or a 1 nighter on that list and decide that perhaps our notions of who 'has it' or doesn't are foolish. Just maybe we'd move to a world were we don;t whisper, gossip or relegate those infected by the virus back into the closet.

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  21. This would be funny, if I wasn't around Sen. Jesse Helms from NC argued for mandatory quarantine of all HIV infected people in 1984. He was totally serious was not considered nuts at the time. He actually got a lot of popular support...

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  22. (sighs) Thank you Mason, for invoking Jonathan Swift's famous work. Though I'd never read the original work, I recognized your inspiration instantly. Although your essay is a riff on a famous peice of satire, it could easily substitute for Modern America's...especially modern Gay America's...explicit suggestion as to how best to handle those with HIV. I tested poz a little more than a year ago, and in just that time, it seems that people's reactions reactions towards those with HIV becomes more shrill, callous, outlandish and histrionic with every month.

    Online profiles that once read "DDF UB2" now brag openly about how they sent former tricks to prison for allegedly lying about HIV status. My state alone has sent more than a few people to prison in the last year for nondisclosure. Even the local bathhouse warns its patrons that engaging in ANY sexual activity while HIV+...even hand jobs...without disclosing is a crime. The notion that those who want to remain HIV- should make it THEIR priority to protect themselves rather than rely on the word of strangers who may not even know their status has come to seem alien. The implications for people's willingness to test is ignored, though we see it played out in decreasing testing rates amongst 20 somethings.

    ADAPs, the stopgaps which ensure that the working poor and unemployed can retain access to their medications, can't cut their services fast enough to stay in the black. Rather than protest this on humanitarian grounds, popular POZ talking heads have jumped on the bandwagon that access to treatment is a cost effective way of containing the diease. Apparently, our bargaining chip is not so much that we deserve to live, as that we're not dying fast enough for everyone's liking, and this way our presumed threat can at least be contained.

    The NIH provides a pittance to cure funding, but somehow we've found the money to verify the obvious...that ARVs can be used as a prophylactic by those too slutty to wear a rubber. Rather than express outrage at the fact that we're dying for lack of access while they use our tax dollars to have better sex, this "discovery" was universally celebrated. God forbid we wouldn't be happy to be left out.

    Indeed, its a terrible time to be HIV+. Surely not as bad as the beginning of the epidemic, but almost certainly the worst in the last two decades. Your joke would be Funney Mason, but it could easily pop up on Queerty or Towleroad or any of the other online bastions for Gay Inc. as a sincere and modest proposal. Its not hilarious, its terrifying.

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  23. Oh Mason, what a cruel kidder you are. I always felt you were a Gay Republican or now a Gay Tea Party patriot, that loves to get assfucked and backing of nationalism. The piece written, so controlled and sober, I right away thought this could all be in the vein of Jonathan Swift's "A MODEST PROPOSAL" on dealing with 19th Century Irish poverty overpopulation and the colonial English monarchal occupiers (still there and ruining Ireland's economy).

    I'm age 50 and have seen the proposals for dealing with HIV positives come and go. In 1985 in California, the nut Lyndon LaRouche and the Republicans pushed a ballot measure just like your comic solution, mass suspicion of anyone assumed to be Gay or HIV positive, camps, forced medical isolation till death. It failed, but scared the State's Gay into activism again. Libertarians Ron Paul and son Rand Paul might just be up to a privatization for profit scheme of State by State forced quarantines and tracking. Many States are criminalizing HIV poz sex with many loopholes for jailing.

    You will learn and experience what a number of us HIV positives feels sometimes, the anger and contempt at society, the med industry, political climate over axing HIV services in revenge, the biological war inside ones own body. The meds are claiming to kill almost 90 percent of viruses now, or stalling big diseases. Sero Sorting is one method to control the spreads. Barebacking is mainstream now, so Pozzes on the sex circuit are majority.

    Other sex diseases to snuff infected? Hepatitis strains, flesh eating staph boils, HPV rectal cancer virus, med resistent strains of the clap and syphilis. It would be satiric to see the political background of infected people in death camps: Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Teabaggers, who is having most HIV bareback sex.

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  24. the sad thing, mason is that what you typed above is a not so distant vision of africa. tens of millions of the sick, dying, and orphaned are infected there. every day is a nightmare. stop the spread of HIV/AIDS in the usa? easy. Stop the world's largest epidemic kill 1.3 million people on a single continent. nearly impossible. the treatment that you take every day is the greatest luxury. you want to see the executions of the infected? Its a plane ride away.

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  25. Anon above me- Well spake. HIV/AIDS is not only a U.S. problem, but a global issue. And though "humorous", I would have prefaced this piece by noting as such. Why? Because it is clear that a lot of your readers are confused (until they re-re-read). Furthermore, there ARE wackos out there that profess the very sentiments you express in this piece. Let's not fan the flames of stupidity, fear and misinformation.

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  26. Dude that's not even funny!! I know it's intended as a joke... but there's nothing funny in it... My impression is that you just wanted to get comments... NOT funny!

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  27. I laughed very, very hard at this. I'm glad I'm not the only person who saw Swift, I thought I was being massively pretentious.

    Amused by how many people don't get it though.

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  28. Quite a modest proposal.
    It's totally unfair that you're hot AND well read.
    You're officially too smart for much of your audience.

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  29. Wow, the number of people who don't get this...

    Bravo Mason!

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  30. Another teabagger has an opinion...lol

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  31. How about tattooing a biohazard symbol on their foreheads as well? Seems like a good way to warn people; until they can be shipped off to the camps anyway.

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  32. And when we're done with the HIVs we can get to work on the Mexicans! Mason, I loved you *before*, and I love you now! You sure know how to stir the pot~

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  33. Keep a clear conscience.
    IF you want to breed or get bred you take that chance. Go for it. You make that choice cuz it feels good, you like it, thats fine. But then never complain about becoming positive.
    But if you take advantage of someone's ignorance and breed them, and make them positive, that's murder. You have no right to play god with someone else's health. If they are a bug chaser, go ahead. But as funny as this article was, folks just dont take their health seriously these days. Take responsibility for your own health and keep your karma clean.

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