18 December 2011

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

*Taken from The Onion - By Bruce Heffernan

 Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife–even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow, that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures–like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

30 comments:

  1. Drama. You're clearly an idiot.. Only you have the ability to control the situations you find yourself in; doesn't that make you a homosexual for allowing them to "take advantage" - Just a thought? You look stupid.

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  2. Err I think he's joking mate.

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  3. Hilarious and arousing, great post!

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  4. It's s problem I could use. You're a nice guy and very aproachable. Maybe your smile says "suck this"

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  5. I think you are terrific Mason! I'll suck your cock anytime. Look me up on A4A soon.

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  6. I would think if this (was) about Mason,it would be about guys coming up to him always sticking their dick up his cherry hole.

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  7. You should probably make the part where this is from the Onion a little bit more prominent.

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  8. Was this an "anonymous entry" by Marcus Bachmann?

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  9. It's from the satirical newspaper "The Onion" from like 10 years ago! Love it

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  10. Popped a boner reading this post! I would be glad to suok your cock if you are going to pin me down and fuck my ass.

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  11. lol the comments are better :o) But I know what Masons Humor is about ;o) Have a nice x-mas

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  12. He is joking! That why it under funny! Hopefully Mason Keep on blogging!

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  13. Great post! The sense of humor I love :)

    Have nice holidays and merry xmas

    Milian

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  14. Thank GOD some guys understand your humor, Mason!
    I, for one, DO!
    And I actually Rolled On Floor Laughing...(ROFL)!
    You bring a smile to my face, often....
    Usually with how HOT your vids are!
    But this is pretty cool, too!

    Jay (guynbriefs...Chicago)

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  15. First post in over a month and it's not even original....just cut and paste from some magazine. Yawn. Mason, you can do better than this for your fans.

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  16. Haha... isn't this from the Onion a couple of years ago...?

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  17. i love the energy of dat tom finland pic

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  18. Okay I get it but some phrases are miss leading, I think some adjustments would help and perhaps make it shorter so that we get more of a surprise at then end.

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  19. You should join realjock.

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  20. Mason, you have a very tasty cock. If it weren't for the fact that I'm such a bad cock sucker, I'd be down there with the rest of them. I'm really more of a ass man. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is me shoving my fat hog of a dick up that sweet little ass of yours. Oh, and my tongue also, you gotta get it nice and wet before you stick it.

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  21. This is so funny...kinda gives light to all the "gay-for-pay" in the industry who complain about gay men.

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  22. Hahahah this Shit what legit!!
    I was laughing all the way through XD

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  23. hahaha this was the bizness! LOVE it

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